ksl.com - Nurse describes scene of tour bus accident

ksl.com - Nurse describes scene of tour bus accident

The Attorney, Scott Brown, has been calling this week to invite me out to his office to do a video call with one of the couples that were hurt in the bus accident. I found it ironic that it was almost the one year anniversary . I have to admit I have a little anxiety over the whole thing but at the same time, I am thrilled that he would extend such an invite. He knows it was important to me to see that they are doing well. When speaking to him today, he informed me that there was another suit filed. This would be the third one. He told me that it was from the family of the deceased husband and wife. It hit some emotion in me that I thought I had left behind. Maybe because it made me think again about the fact that I knew she had had a baby. I once again thought about the family that was left behind when both the mother and father died. The family that would constantly replay the details in their head of what "might " have happened at the scene. It must drive some people insane to be so far away and not even be able to picture in your mind the place that such an accident happened. I know it would be very difficult for me. I would need to know and see to be able to process it all. To make things final.

I have an appointment in two weeks to go out and talk with them. There will be a Japanese interpreter to help bridge the two languages.

Today has been very emotional just thinking about it. Maybe I need to bring someone out with me, maybe I want to go alone? I don't fully understand why this seems so difficult. Who am I kidding.... I don't understand any of these emotions. It should be a joyous occasion!

I just need to go listen to some Helen Reddy " I am woman" and I will be on top of my game again! Nobody likes a 'Debbie Downer"!

It will remind me that "I am strong, I am invincible, I am woman"

xoxoxo to you all! Drive safe, wear your seat belts and listen to what your mothers said about always wearing clean underwear!!!!! You don't want to be in an accident with dirties on!!!!

I'm whining now but not for long. Tomorrow I might be laughing!

I never have really sat down and told someone how I really feel. For several reasons. I think that if they really wanted to know what it was like, then they would look it up. There is a lot of information out there to inform someone who is interested in learning about it. If they really wanted to know they would ask questions or go to the many doctors with me. They haven't and I won't ask them to.

It's very interesting if they gave it a try. Fibromyalgia is an autoimmune disease. Your body likes to destroy itself!

I am a very independent woman. I always have been and I probably always will be. I don't like the feeling of making someone change their plans to be with me while I can do it myself. My mother is one that has always offered to go but she asks too many questions ( bless her heart) and I like to process the information my own way. She goes to the doctors for everything... I do not. I'm not saying one is right or one is wrong it just that we do things differently.

The second reason is... I don't like to complain about my pain in fear I might look like a hypochondriac so I try to not say much. Nobody wants to be with a crybaby so I try not to as often as possible.

The third and most important reason to me is........ There are thousands of people that have it a lot worse than I. People fighting cancer, people that are waiting for transplants, parents that have children diagnosed with many horrible diseases these days. There are so many things out there that would be so much worse for me to have. I guess why I thought that I would write this is, because it does affect the quality of my life and others around me and I sometimes do great and plow through it and other times I cry until I can't cry any longer. It's painful and debilitating. It consumes my everyday for weeks at a time and then sometimes it sleeps and doesn't rear it's ugly head as much.

For the last 6 weeks it has been HELL and I do mean HELL!!!! I do what I can to stay afloat. I just needed to say that and now I will finish this blog and whine for a few more minutes and then when I am done I will feel better that I got it off my chest and tomorrow will be another day. Hopefully better! Either way it will be better for the fact that I wrote my feelings down and there won't be a reason to talk about it anymore!!!!!

Some close coworkers of mine know when I am hurting without me saying a word.

They will ask me how I feel and I feel close enough to them to say "I feel like hell but thanks for asking" and then we just laugh and go back to work.

I'm stubborn at times ... my mom will ask me why I don't take the pain medicine the Dr. gave me and I tell her because I have to fight through most of it. If I start medicating myself now then I will need more and more when the pain worsens and I don't want to cross that bridge. I try to make my month worth of pain meds last for 6 months or so. The addiction possibilities are frightening.

I want my family to know that I now have limits . I can't do what I did three years ago. I don't want people to feel sorry for me because what good is that going to do, for anyone. Most of all, I don't want pitty!!!!! I am still going to feel this same way, same fatigue, same pain, same depression that follows it because I remember what I used to accomplish. It pretty much sucks now! Lets face it, depression gets you no where!

I want to SCREAM.... that's what I really want to do the most!!!!! I hate the diagnosis, I hate the word Fibromyalgia. Why couldn't it be something else!

This is what I think about the disease.

Too many times, not always, but too many times I have seen lazy, lazy people say "Oh, I can't do that because I have FIBRO". I can't work, I can't get off the couch etc. Wha, wha, wha... There are legitimate people out there but a few ruin it for the rest of us!

Other times I will go on a Fibro forum and their are those that list every freaking symptom or diagnosis they have. I wouldn't be surprised if they had listed their hang nail problems.

I am a very factual person that centers my life around facts and the fact that they do not know what causes this or they have no cure is a fact that I can't deal with!!!! It feels like to me the diagnosis is like the doctors saying " sorry we don't know what is wrong, we can see by your test results there is something wrong but we don't know what it is so we will throw you in with those Fibro people over there in the corner (the ones wailing and lashing about). It really does seem like HELL at times!!!!

They say that a major big emotional event can trigger this disease. That seems weird to me but I will say that is about the time that some of the symptoms started.

1989 was the year that my sweet son Adam at the age of 5 had to go in for emergency Kidney surgery to remove his nearly ruptured kidney before the toxins could kill him. Letting my little boy go with the nurses was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I was 5 months pregnant with my 4th baby Kylee. I slept up at the hospital every night so I could be there with my little boy.

A month later my Grandpa Galbraith died and only a month after that his wife, Maxine Galbraith was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer. We knew we didn't have long to spend time with her. I went into premature labor in December but was able to hold off until January 4th, 1990 and gave birth by C-section to our beautiful Kylee. In February, my Grandma got to hold her once and said how beautiful she was. Then my Grandma Galbraith died a day later only 3 months after being diagnosed.

One month later on March 10, 1990 my sweet sisters oldest daughter was killed while riding her bike and a 16 yr old girl hit her with her car. Heather Marie Strong was only 10 years old. I will write more about that at another time. She and her family deserve more than a few sentences.

I had just gotten promoted at work to train all the new employees coming in. I had a class room of about thirty and I loved that job! Within a week I knew that my body was wearing down fast and it was all I could do to go to work, take care of a 4 month old baby and deal with all the emotions of what happened in the last 8 months. It was the last day of training when I was doing evaluations on the new employees and all I could do is stare at the computer, I couldn't get myself to talk or signal that I needed help. It's like I had just frozen in that position. It seemed like forever but the poor new employee eventually noticed and went and got help.

My neighbor came and got me to my doctors and my spleen was really enlarged, all my reflexes were hyperextended . I found out that I had had Mono that was out of control and now I was testing for very high extream readings of Epstein Barr. They sent me home, where I stayed for about 4 months unable to do anything but shower and lay back down. I gained 40 pounds that year from not being able to do anything at first, then eventually being able to go back part time to work. Grandma Banta helped me so much with Kylee. She had her probably more then I did that first year!

I found out what Epstein Barr was and learned to deal with it . There are good days and bad days. I could do certain things that seemed to make a difference. When it was really bad I would go in and get my blood checked knowing the whole time that my levels would be high. The one great thing about Epstein Barr is that the blood tests tell you how you are doing or if it is in remission . When the levels were high I would go in and get a vitamin B12 shot go get a shot of wheat grass and sleep all of Saturday and Sunday. I pretty much had it handled for 10 years. Only at times would it get out of control.

2008 I started feeling really run down so I would go and get my levels checked and they would come back a little low but nothing that would cause me to feel this bad. Within 6 months I could see a huge difference in what I was able to do in the day before I was completely exhausted.

My blood levels were no longer consistant with how I was feeling. I expected my levels to be sky high.

I started losing my memory and would experience panic attacks at times. There were several times I would head to the store and suddenly I couldn't figure out what to do. My brain was not working to tell me to do the exact same things that I had done so many times before.

I couldn't remember where the bread or milk was or plan a meal. It was very frightening and I would have to call my husband to walk me through it. If I couldn't reach him I would just have to go home. It was if the brain was not giving signals. I used to like going to the grocery store but it was probably two years that I struggled going and actually coming home with the right items.

Sometimes picking out my clothes to wear is too difficult. Some days wearing tennis shoes hurts because they are too heavy. It feels like I have cinder blocks around my feet.

I think that it was the summer of 2009 that I was going to have 6 weeks off from work. I was soooo excited to have time off to clean and organize or do anything I wanted to do but work.

About a month before my vacation I had really strange symptoms again. I was getting electrical shocks all through my body. One second it would literally shock me in the leg and then it would shock me in the ear then somewhere else. It would go non stop for hours and some of the shocks were very painful. The fatigue was worse then it ever was.

There were times that I could not lift my arms high enough to brush my hair after getting out of the shower. All my joints started hurting. I quickly became aware of where i had joints!!!!! It was very painful if someone leaned on me or touched my shoulders. It hurt horribly bad. I was painful to wrestle around with my boys like we used to. Someone poking me in the back with their finger would bring tears because of the pain.

My six week vacation from work was consumed with extreme pain, tightened Achilles tendon in the left foot, both arches had dropped suddenly in my feet to the point that I could not walk on them. The podiatrist suggested that we may need to clip the back of my Achilles tendon. It would have been a long recovery and wow, I am so glad that I didn't do that.

Both ears started having a really loud static noise constantly. It sounds just like a radio that is not on the station. The bright sun started to burn my eyes , where it never had before.

Everything that I looked forward to just passed me by because I was exhausted. I just sat in the recliner and slept and slept and slept and looked out the window.

I started seeing doctors because I knew something had to be wrong. They suspected M.S. the symptoms are exactly the same. They did MRI's, CAT scans Nuclear medicine scans, xrays, numerous blood tests and sent me to almost every doctor known to man. One Dr. said I had Multiple Schlorosis but the scan came back that I did not have lesions on my brain. He would wait a while to do the spinal tap. He didn't want me to go through that. Ah, been there, done that, not a big deal!!! They tested me for bone cancer with the nuclear medicine thingy... that came back that I had deterioration in my joints on both sides in all the joints except my hips. Suprisingly they were good! They couldn't figure out why that was happening but it was sending up red flags! They referred me to Rheumatologist with a wait of 3 months. That BUTT never even took the xrays out of the envelope and was so rude!!! I felt healed just leaving her office!!!!

After testing for anything from Lupus to ALS to you name it , they then tell you that you have Fibromyalgia. It feels like it leaves you hanging with out an answer. I don't understand fully why I don't like this diagnosis I just dont!!!!!! Why couldn't a damn TIC have bitten me instead!!! Everyone knows what LYME disease is!!!!

It was about 8 weeks of pure hell until the Cymbalta kicked in and I no longer felt someone constantly shocking me. The shocks are always there but they are much smaller and you just learn to live with it.

The arches to my feet are no longer flat!!!!! Who knows why? But I will take it. The tendon also released when the arches raised back up!

The static in my ears (especially my left is always there but seems to get louder when I am overly tired.) As long as people are around or I have the T.V. on it doesn't really bother me. I just wish my brain could find a channel so I could hear more than just static!!!

I can't sit for more then a few minutes because when I get up it hurts really bad and I look crippled walking around until I can get my muscles to warm and stretch.

That is why I get really fidgety when I sit and would prefer to stand. Unless I have zero energy I will chose to stand.

I have about 4 hours of hard work in me a day, the rest of the day I need to do more sitting down activities. I schedule my most difficult activities in the morning. There are some mornings that I really, really, really can not move out of bed. My legs stiffen up and I can't move from that position. I have to take a hot bath in order for my muscles to relax. Then I can get dressed and get to work.

Sometimes I can not hold a pencil or a fork because it hurts too bad and they are too heavy!!! I know it sounds stupid but it is true.

I have learned that the more I move and the more active I stay the better off I feel!!! When I get something like the flu I am better off still moving around as much as possible. Laying down too much is the worst thing I could do.

I don't like the "brain fog" part. This is the scariest part for me and it makes me worry what the future could bring. This happens quite often and I find myself not remembering how to do the simplest things. Things that I have done thousand times before.

For example reading instructions on something, I will read and reread them over and over but I can't get my brain to move onto the next step. I will find myself in this situation sometimes at work trying to fill out reports or observations. I just go BLANK and can't get to step one. I have had to leave my self notes at work for the days that it gets really bad. Sometimes filling out my timecard can be too difficult and I have to ask for help!!!! I hate this!!!

I have found myself just staring at my wallet trying to figure out what I give to the cashier. I know that I am looking in there for a reason but I can't focus on why or which card.

Someday's it's like you know how to do the survival skills like brushing my teeth and doing my hair and makeup and most of the time I can do anything but when the thing they call "brain fog" sets in it's different. If someone asked you to plan something or ask you to give your opinion on something I couldn't!!!! You can't visualize what needs to happen. I have difficulty looking at the details. I find myself having to follow everyone else's lead at times. Other times I am just fine.

Sometimes my daughter gets frustrated with me about not making decisions but the truth of the matter is... sometimes I can't so I come across indecisive!

I used to love stormy weather!!! It was my favorite thing in the world!!!! Now I can know when a storm is coming in I swear before the weather man does. ( prob not but it seems like it)

I had to go to the Doctors for the first time in a while about the Fibro. I told him that for the last two months I have been in the worst pain again and can't shake it like I usually can. He said that he has had more appointments from his patients with Fibro lately then ever before. He said they are all being affected by the weather. It has been so bad that I now have had to resort to take one pain med a day but hopefully that won't last long. The whole dependency thing scares me and I don't want to be so doped up that I miss out on life. That's not living.

I have lost the feeling in the right side of my face. In the morning I can feel it but about 4-5 hours into the day I get tired and my cheek goes numb!!!! They know I have not had a stroke!!! That's always good.

My daughter and my friend have noticed that when I am spent, I have started talking a different way. I guess I hold my mouth in a funky way!!!! They say I curl my lips over my teeth like I have dentures!!!! Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha I'm a freak!!!

I now have learned to give myself my own Vit B12 shots weekly in my big ole rear. I have decided that when I am feeling good (which is most of the time) they really help. But when I feel horrible (like the last two months) they don't do squat!!!!!!

BTW if you see me at the store anytime and I have a really stupid look on my face like I don't know what in the hell I'm doing? Feel free to pass me by or lead me out to my car! No, I'm not stoned or drugged out I promise!!!!

If I have known you for years( Brenda) and really, really like you and then when I run into you and I don't acknowledge who you are... I am sorry! I couldn't even figure out why I was on that isle let alone who you were. Then when I started coming out of the fog I remembered seeing you at the store and remembered your name, where we worked together and why i liked you so much!!!!! I am sorry for that day.

When I miss activities or events or have to cancel sometimes, I am truly sorry. My body just stops and won't give me anymore and then of course the emotions kick in because I feel like a giant loser and have let everyone down. I promise on those days that I feel great ( in comparison) I will give you everything I have to hopefully make up for lost time.

When I am walking in front of you and going too slow you can either...

A. Be patient it doesn't take me long to warm up and get moving.

B. Learn to be faster and walk in front of me instead of getting stuck behind me.

C. Yell "get the hell out of my way Jen or I will kick you!!!"

WORDs OF WARNING........ Because there is this loud static in my ears I may not hear you so please say it twice before you kick me. Also, because of the so called "Fibro Fog" it might take me a minute to register what you just said to me so then you might have to refer back to letter A. Be Patient

I love you all, pray for you all and just think, in the here after, we won't have to put up with such crap!!!!

I am officially done with my whining and moaning and bitchin!!!!!!!! Good Night!!!

A day at the Zoo with Monkey Boy !!!

Hi, I'm Jack

Me and Grandma Jenny went to Hogle Zoo

She got me a wagon and some really healthy snacks... Doritos and Rootbeer hee, hee

We first passed the Llama's where grandma

asked me if my momma was a llama?

I just scrunched my face and said "NOooo".

We saw two Tigers that looked very hungry!

I showed Grandma where the camels are

I tried to climb through the fence to get closer

Grandma was a party poop and wouldn't let me!!!

I had to go pee pee so I did

Then we washed our hands

Then we dried them and dried them and dried them

Until Grandma said they were way more then dry!!!

I told Grandma Jenny that I wanted to ride on the Elephant

so when the ride stopped

we ran really fast so we could be the first ones on it!!!!!

We gave ourselves a thumbs up for being fast as lightning!!!

We got back in the wagon where our chips and soda were waiting for us

We tried to look for the monkeys but we couldn't see any.

Grandma said, "maybe they're inside"

Let's go see!

We measured me and decided I was the size of a juvenile monkey.

Grandma said, " come on Monkey boy, lets go inside".

I climb a lot and I don't get scared that is why

she thinks I'm a monkey!

I stopped to say HI to Mowgli :)

Where are the Gorilla's Grandma? There they are, right there!!!

WE were at the zoo so long that we turned into wild animals!!!

I wasn't even scared to ride on wild tigers******* I was a Dorito munching Chinese boy!

Grandma made me try on a few more things because she thought I was so cute but then I said

NO MORE HATS!!!!

Then we were off to see the Rhino's that were in the area

clearly marked ... ELEPHANT ENCOUNTER

It's a good thing monkey boy can't read or I would have been way confused!!!

PEE PEE TIME AGAIN...

Grandma SHOWED me the sign that means Restroom

I pointed to the sign and said that's a girl sitting on the potty!

Grandma asked me to jump back in the wagon so she could pull me up the hill and I said no, I want to do it . So she said okay and she jumped in the wagon and said it's your turn to pull me!!!

Grandma looked very comfortable sitting in the wagon but it was too hard!

After grunting a few times I kindly asked her to remove herself from the wagon

by saying in a sweet tone of voice...

GET OUT!!!!

She reminded me to say please....

I said please

She got out

This was much easier...

After two 1/2 hours at the zoo, 3 potty breaks, 1 pair of broken glasses

2 times dropping my flip flops out of the wagon, then finding them,

It was time to haul me and the wagon up that hellacious hill to get to the

parking lot! Grandma started talking about the fun we had today but then

the hill got steeper and grandma stopped talking, instead water was coming off her face.

she looked like she was going to have a heart attack but she still kept smiling at me

I laid back in my wagon finishing off the last of my Rootbeer and chips and enjoying the ride.

I got to the top of the hill and I was really, really sad!!!

Grandma thought it was because I didn't want to leave.

Grandma- "Jack what's wrong?"

Jack- wrimdn, eidndn,WA!

Grandma- "what sweetie I can't understand you"?

Jack- I jdiijnch see hdchn

Grandma- listen to grandma, you need to stop crying so grandma knows what

you are saying.

Jack- sniffle, sniffle,, " I didn't get to see that!

Grandma- You didn't get to see what? Jack, we saw all the animals

Jack- not that!

He points to what i'm guessing is the only possible animal in the whole zoo that somehow I missed.

I turn around to see what it is...

We had seen all the animals in the zoo, he wanted to see the machines like

PaPa Wades!!!!!

They were fenced in also. We watched them for ten minutes then went to the car.

But not before dropping Jacks flip flop once...

Then twice...

Before we could get out of the parking lot this little monkey was asleep!

What a fun day I had with you Jackster, Grandma Jenny loves you!!

xoxo

Excuse me Officer, can you help?

Last year Jace would get terrified every time he

heard a police car go by. No matter how many times his mom and everyone else reassured him

that it was okay nothing seemed to work. The next time he would hear a siren, even from a far distance, he would panic and cry.

We wondered if it was because everything that he had seen with officers involved ,was traumatic. He listens and picks up on our emotions when we talk like about Kylee's car wreck, the bus accident and even our reactions when an officer pulls us over. We have had to be very careful what we say

I suggested to Amber that it might help if we took him down to the police station and asked the officers to talk to him so he would see that they were nice.

We took him down to the West Bountiful Police Department. Two of the officers showed him around the station and let him see inside the police car. They even turned the lights on for him!!!! Jace liked that!

The officers told Jace that they were daddies and had little kids just like him. The officers gave Jace pencils and stickers and showed Jace their little pretend police cars on their desk.

Jace seemed very comfortable with them.

From that day on Jace was no longer afraid when he heard sirens go by. He would say that they were his friends!!

Thanks West Bountiful Police Officers!!!!

My Indian Heritage

My friend Royann and I were talking today at work, about how much we loved Cher when we were little girls. We were laughing about how we would put a towel on our head and let it hang down our backs so we could pretend that we had the same long hair as Cher. She immediately went into her reenactment of Cher pretending to flip her hair and moving her head back and forth just right. She even placed the tip of her tongue on her top lip like only Cher could do to make it so cool. I remember practicing that lip action in the mirror while listening to Cher on my little 45 records. The only thing I remember extra that my friend didn't include , was that Cher always had her cheeks sucked in. Royann said that she used to bobbi pin her towels on her head to keep them on while she was pretending to "FLIP" it over each shoulder.

I guess I hadn't thought of that because my hair (towel) went falling off my head about the time that I went to reach for my microphone( hairbrush) seconds before I would break into " I've got you Babe" pretending Sonny was next to me. With my arms folded, I would always look to my right side and towards the floor because that is what Cher did. Sonny was shorter then Cher and I .

It's amazing who you can imagine being when you are at that age. It feels so real!!!

While we were talking about this I kinda started singing the song I remember the most.... Royann kind of looked at me and didn't really jump in and sing along. Now I think I know why....

I will tell you in a minute...

When I was little my dad had told us that we were part Cherokee. That is something that I was very proud of and would share with anyone that would listen. I liked knowing that I was part Indian and it was just really cool because I didn't know anyone else that could make that same claim. No one else at school knew an Indian.

Being part Indian as a child made me proud and besides I could feel it in my blood when Cher would sit on top of her horse in her videos and sing.

I also remember one of my favorite songs by Paul Revere and the Raiders... Cherokee People...

It is such an awesome song!!!! Powerful and it made me even more proud to be part of the Cherokee Nation!!!!

You can hear the song by clicking on the part that is underlined and says

Watch it on YOUTUBE

That song made me want to be Cherokee!!!!

This just might have started the, wearing moccasins, having braids and picking out the Indians from the cowboy and Indian bag phase for me.

I do believe that this is the song I was singing to my friend while we were reenacting Cher so I'm guessing that is why she might have had that "I'm so confused" look on her face.

I had Cher and Paul revere and the Raiders all in one act.

Cher sang "Half Breed" Being Cher's #1 fan I don't know how I was so confused.

Back to my story.... I was born in Texas and I was proud of that too. The rest of my family was not born in the South like I was. I found out that that made me different than the rest of them also. I remember learning in school that I was born in a Confederate state and so that made me a Confederate. The rest of my family were Yankee's. I was proud to go around and say that I was a Confederate!

My mom told me I couldn't say that anymore and that I would be in trouble if I did!!!!

So I went back to saying I was Cherokee.

She let me say that.

Years later after watching "Gone with the Wind" I realized why she didn't want me to say that I was a Confederate. We for sure did not support slavery. I guess I then became a Yankee born in Texas.

In Junior High I went on vacation with my friend Tauni and her family. As we were driving in their station wagon her dad ( Bill Jackson) would point out the red dirt up on the mountains and ask me if I knew why the dirt was so red in certain spots?

I actually had never really noticed or thought about it.

He told me that those were the spots where a lot of Indians were killed during the war!

I believed him, well sort of. It didn't make complete sense to me but somehow because I was part Cherokee it made me take notice of how much red dirt there is on the hillsides. I assumed that it was the Ute tribe since we were in Utah. There was no other explanation why the dirt was red so I went with it! I later tried to trick my own children into believing it but they wouldn't believe me for a second!

Some years ago while at my parents house my dad busted out into laughter and said.....

"Remember when I told you kids you were part Cherokee?" I gave him the "are you serious" look. He told me he was just joking and that we weren't Cherokee. He was laughing so hard!!! He thought he was so funny!

I was reminded that I am really fair skinned and have blue eyes. I guess I had never really wanted to think about that. Maybe I was a "half breed" like Cher sang about.

I told him I knew all along that we weren't Indian. I think I was a little sad to find out that I wasn't.

His comment then was...." but you really are!!!!' and started laughing hysterically again!

My father thinks that he is hysterical when he flip flops whether I am part Indian or not. By the looks of it, I probably will never know if I am 1/4 part or 1/20th. He won't tell me. He just laughs!!!

Once again I find myself in an identity crisis!!!!! As if not knowing my real birthday wasn't enough!!!!

Come on Chief Banta, tell me the truth this time....

Me think you not funny!!!

Me think time for POW WOW!!!

You haven't come this far to fall off the Earth!!!

My friend Ryan shared this song with me tonight.

My dear friend has been diagnosed with cancer.

He is going through chemo right now.

He is strong, he is a fighter and he is loved!

He's an inspiration to us all, especially me, he is my friend!

This song hopefully might help someone else. It seems everyday I hear of another person that is dealing with...

Disease

Loss of employment

Loss of a child

Domestic abuse and dealing with it alone

Miscarriages

Wars

Divorce

Loneliness

Homelessness

Mental illness

Infertility

Fear

Death

Depression

Pain

Addiction

I wish it could be different, it can't . Life can be so challenging and I can't help but wonder why at times. I guess the only thing that we can do is accept what we have been dealt and change what we can and try to see the lessons that we learn from all of this craziness.

We can pray to be the support we all need from each other. We can find happiness, we deserve to be happy. That is what our Heavenly Father would want for us.

It is interesting to me that my friend sent me this song tonight. I had just written my feelings down the other day and it was about choosing to swim or drown when problems come our way.

I hope I never become that person that is too busy or doesn't want to be involved in someone else's pain. I don't want to drown and I don't want anyone else to either. The ocean is huge and no one should be out there trying to survive alone.

Thank you Ryan for sharing the words to this song with me tonight. I know you will be okay and I know you will do well because "we" need you to be so you can continue to inspire us all.

Now lets start swimming!!! There are brighter days ahead for us all :)

You've gotta swim, swim for your life
Swim for the music that saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive

You gotta swim and swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far to fall off the earth

The currents will pull you away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets, they fired at me from a gun
Crack in the armor, yeah

I swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in, I swim

You gotta swim for nights that won't end
Swim for your family as your lovers, your sisters
And brothers, and friends

Yeah, you gotta swim through wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed as a flaw
The currents will pull us away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets, they fired at me from a gun
A crack in the armor, yeah

I swim for brighter days despite of the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in, well, I'm not giving in, I swim

You gotta swim, swim in the dark
There's no shame in drifting
Feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark

Yeah, you gotta swim, don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you, it's not as far as you think

The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above, swim
Just keep your head above, swim, swim
Just keep your head above, swim

I Hope You Dance!!!

My baby has hit her half way mark!!!!

Kylee went to China in January to teach little children English and to show them a bit of what life is like here in the United States.

It has been an awesome experience for her and the other teachers that she shares the apartment with.

Even though I miss her I would not change a thing. For the first time in her life she has been able to really do something just for herself . Kylee has always worried about others well being and now it is time for her to grow and benefit from what life has to offer.

The experiences that she has had and the memories and friendships she has made are priceless. It will be very hard for her to come home when the time comes.

The children adore her, who wouldn't, she is just like a grown child and everything is better when she is around! We love you Kylee and are so proud of you!!!!

We had a going away party for Kylee a few nights before she left.

So many people showed up and supported her decision to go.

Family and friends were so wonderful donating money for this experience of

a life time.

Kylee worked very hard saving her money so she could go and volunteer her time.

It was a team effort that she will benefit from forever.

We made all different food that the Asian store told us would be unique to China.

After tasting it, we would like it to stay in China...

We will keep our Chinese food American style, as we know it !!!!

My house smelled for days... I can't even begin to describe the smell!!!

The shrimp chips (a fav. in China) to say the least , was interesting.

The desserts were very dry, more like crackers.

I found myself explaining to everyone that entered that it was for

the experience and not because we liked the taste!

We passed around several shots of about 6 juice drinks...

I want to say one was, seaweed, cucumber, passion fruit, dragon fruit etc.

There was about twelve people doing the shots...

We lost a few to the toilet!!!!! Kylee being one of them.

But shared huge gut busting laughs!!!

The looks on their faces after downing it were priceless

Watching the beads of sweat forming on their foreheads from the anticipation was awesome

But watching most of them gag and try not to lose it was so fantastic

that it made us search out for more unsuspecting victims at the party.

We liked torturing each other and our guests!

It was a fun time!!!!

Kylee and I stayed up all night packing her suitcase.

I enjoyed spending that quiet one on one time with my baby,

I wanted to make sure she had everything she needed since I wouldn't be there.

I checked everything on the list twenty times making sure I didn't miss anything

Moms do that ya know

I began to cry at about 3:30 a.m. She really was leaving and it was hard!

She asked me to not cry because it would make it harder for her.

I stopped... but only for her

I was beyond exhaustion but I wouldn't have traded it for the world!

It reminded me of the nights before my boys left for their mission.

It meant something to me to make sure they were ready.

I can't explain it but it is more then just packing a lot of stuff in a suitcase for your child.

It's something special, kind of spiritual in a strange way

It sounds weird but almost like a type of ritual...

Someday it will make sense.

I wrote secret letters to her and hid them in her suitcase.

I hid some things she said she didn't need ( I knew she would)

I gave her some charms with Chinese symbols on them for Christmas

I was hoping it would bless her with

SAFETY, LOVE, KNOWLEDGE, FREINDSHIP

and STRENGTH

She came up with the great idea to put them on a chain

She wears it every day!!!

We shopped for days before not knowing what they would have over there.

We do know that they don't have Tampons over there and the toothpaste tastes like

poop!

It's kinda hard figuring out how many of the girlie things ya might need for 6 months.

Being a mom, I worried that the other girls didn't know that you can't get them in China.

So I packed some extras for them just in case!

Moms do that...

You can't go without those things for sure... at least not American women !!

We headed for the airport with two large suitcases

One loaded with her stuff

The other with school supplies that she would need to teach.

She met some of the girls at the airport

I worried and wondered who she would connect with

Moms do that ya know... they worry

I wanted everyone to see what we see in her

The special things about her... the reasons we love her

How fun she is and always the life of the party

The tough I can kick anyones butt side, and the

loving, gentle, I would do anything for you side.

I prayed they would see that in her and appreciate what she has to offer.

All the girls looked a bit nervous saying goodbye

Kylee was quiet so I figured she was nervous too.

Of course I asked her if there was anything wrong?

My mouth just blurts it out when people are quiet

I'm trying to get better about that!!!

I reminded her where everything was a 1, 000 more times

She told me "Mom, I know you showed me a million times."

I might have!!!

Mom's tend to do that

We took pictures

I look like an ostrich trying not to pass gas!!!

Ty, Kylee and Amber

Max, Briana, Jack and Adam

( Adam's ''I look constipated' pose was inherited from his mother)

We are unable to relax and smile like normal people...

You are still cute Adam even if you do look constipated!

Cameron and Jessica

Adam and Brooke

Special kisses from her nephews Jack

and Jace!!!

a few tears... that's all she would allow us to shed.

Besides we weren't sad, we were very excited for her

and thrilled that she chose to do this!

This was going to be great!!!

All her brothers and sisters also wrote letters of encouragement and love and

secretly stuffed them in her travel bag so she could find them on the plane.

I watched as she inched her way up the security line.

She had never traveled anywhere alone before.

I have always been the tour director

She was on her own now

She told me "Mom, I'm fine." as if she was a little embarrassed

that her mom was still watching her from afar.

I knew at that point, that it was my time to turn and walk away,

she's not my baby anymore

I needed to let her go.

So I did... I walked away

Just then, Briana said "Jen, Kylee's calling for you"

I thought maybe she wanted to say one last goodbye,

I turned back towards her trying to find her in the long line.

She had made it up to the security desk...

She had a panic look on her face !!!!! Her eyes looked like a deer in the headlights!!!

"Where's my Passport""???

"Mom, mom, where is it?"

I gently reminded her by pointing to the pouch around her neck that held

all her important documents.

The same place, that we rehearsed over and over and over again until she said

"Mom, I know, you've told me a thousand times!!"

I could have said something about being right

But I didn't...

After giving me that oops, ha, ha embarrassed look she walked through security.

She turned back one last time, with her face now relaxed and mouthed the words

"I LOVE YOU"

That's when I felt the bittersweat tears start to flow...

I just watched my baby as she jumped from the nest

The nest that she felt warm in, loved in and where she felt protected from danger.

She took that first leap,

She stumbled,

But she got back up and took off again

This time spreading her wings and flying completely on her own

To places she has never been before , to see the things I could have never shown her

and to gain the knowledge about life that's beyond what I could ever teach her.

My daughter was becoming a woman, a Beautiful Woman,

and she makes me proud!!!!

****I didn't go in her room for two days but when I did I laid on her bed and thought

about how happy I was for her and how fast the time would go. She would be home

before we knew it and then she would be onto her next adventure as if she never left. I was proud of myself for holding up so well with a now very empty house. I almost felt a little guilty that I was not feeling sad at all. I turned on my side and saw a picture of her.

So what, maybe I cried a little or a lot... but hey,

That's what mom's do!!!

2 comments:

CORY said...

This post makes me want to baul my eyes out. I laughed out loud at the "I could have said something about being right... but I didn't" part. So funny.

Kylee has always been amazing. She is such a sweet girl. You are pretty amazing too. Mom's are amazing because that's what they do.

April 14, 2011 11:41 AM

Britanna and Kev said...

Shucks, Jen. You made me cry....It makes me think of my mom own mom when I moved to college and when I got married. I love moms. Thanks for always bringing us in to your family too, I love you guys. :)

April 15, 2011 9:03 AM